It’s been a pretty rough year for me. One that has felt as though it’s been characterized with pain, disappointment, failure, rejection, and pretty much everything in between. And I know those are really heavy feelings – and I feel as though I’ve been experiencing them in tenfold this year in particular.
I remember when I started this blog, it was after a particularly nasty string of rejections. I wanted an outlet for my emotions that wasn’t crying and wallowing in pity parties, so I decided to start writing reviews. I’ve always loved to write, but I think reviews made the most sense at the time because it was a very targeted, specific form of writing. It didn’t require me to be vulnerable, necessarily. I didn’t need to sit down and introspect and pray and figure out the right thing to say. I could just take notes as I read (which I already did), put them together in a somewhat polished manner, and post them as an online archive of my thoughts. I honestly wasn’t even thinking about having people read them (which is why I’ve barely shared this site with my friends IRL).
Somewhere along the line, I got caught up in the glitz and glamor of bookstagram. All of a sudden, I was stressed about having the right graphics. The perfect reel. The perfect designs. Wait, why aren’t I gaining more followers? Oh my goodness, do I need to post stacks? I don’t have a bookshelf yet. I don’t have an aesthetic background. I don’t wanna show my face… and so on, and so forth. My mind was spinning so much that reading started feeling like less of an escape and more of a chore that was accompanied by this unnecessarily difficult to-do list of things that would somehow make me famous? I couldn’t even tell you what my intended end goal was supposed to be.
Suddenly, even picking up a book felt heavy. I would read a page or two, or listen to a couple minutes because I wanted to continue with my Storygraph streak but there was no passion. No desire. The very blog that I had used as an outlet had suddenly become a consistent reminder that I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t have the “audience” I thought I should have.
I mean, a lot of things have happened in between then and now. I’m on medication and though I still have a lot of low days, sometimes they’re not so bad. Other days, like today, I end up just staying at home and thinking about life.
I guess I just wanted to write this and finally express a bit of how I’ve been feeling. And maybe a little bit of what I’m going to be doing to make sure that reading continues to remain something I do out of love and not simply obligation:
- Not stressing out too much about the graphics of it all. Sure, I want to make sure my feed is pleasing. But more importantly than anything, I just want to read and share about what I read.
- Allowing my blog to truly be a bookshelf – a collection of not just books but stories, trinkets, bookmarks, reminders, etc. I’ll still be talking about books but I’d like to think I’m doing it on my own terms
- Remembering my why. This comes up a lot especially being Christian – am I doing this for self gain or to shine God’s light and love, even if it’s through something like book reviews? There is no truly useless part of the body – everything that I am doing is a holistic part of who I am as a student, a researcher, an engineer… every part of me.
So yeah. Just rambling but already feeling a little like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I’ll see you in the next one. Until then, stay blessed.